Over the last year or so, I have seen myself slowly changing into someone I don’t quite recognize. Yes, yes this is not the best thing or is it?
I have always been known as the one who holds her tongue on things that are bothersome to me, for fear of hurting someone else’ feeling, because a wise woman once said to me, never throw stone for stone, or do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So to be that better person meant taking every ugly punch, every shitty limerick so smart ass face had for me. Why? Because I didn’t want to be who they were as a person and this beautiful notion of kill them with kindness has been drilled into my every being. I want to go to heaven and not hell. LOL!!! Ole’ southern thing it is. Well, as I grow older, my tolerance for this has become thinner and thinner. I have grown a thick layer of skin because well, I have become sick of being the humble and weak, choir girl everyone seems to think I am. Although if truth be told that is who I am; underneath it all.
Over the few years prior to my serious relationship (Yes I am happy and all the way in love), I learned to be a little stronger and give less 2nd chances to those who wouldn’t think twice to toss me away without considering their own actions and step into those places that allow me to be the better version of me. My normally soft voice of reasoning has become firm and matter of fact. I am still a listener, yet I steer clear of the conversations that are filled with useless garbage. I am a giver, but I will not be used. I loved unconditional, that part will not change. Although I will say, loving those who love you not, even after friendships are closed, well that’s the part that makes for the trials. That’s the part of me that tugs are my hearts strings. I always seem to question the relationships that were severed even when I know the reasons but I get this friendly reminder, that was a chapter that gave me what I needed and it was time to shut that door and move forward into something more promising. Not all friendships are going to be closed forever, but sometimes years of self servitude is what is needed to realize the error on both parts, if it took both parts to ruin it. Trust me, I know, I have experienced it and I love the current renewed friendship we have now. I have been told that I am mean or a bitch or however you want to word my new behavior, but those who love me and matter will either grow with me or leave me for new ventures and I won’t love you any less than I do now. Its because we have all memories that I cherish and I still smile about it. So that helps me know who I am in myself and on my journey through life. For that I am grateful.
So you see, whether I have become the worse version of myself or not is a matter of opinion. I think I have become a bit stronger than normal. Yet not to the point of losing the humbleness or remembering where I came from because its where I can from that reminds me to remain humble, to love those closes to me, to share with those who have less than I because I am no better than the next. So with that I can say I love the new me and I pray to grow stronger in my value and stronger with the current friendship I hold now.
Love and Light ~XoXoX J.M.